Fathers day; a day which you celebrate with your dad about how great everything is and thank him for being there for you; but for me today and the lead up to this day is just a constant reminder that I don’t have my dad here with me.
You go shopping and almost every shop you walk in to is saying how much your dad would love this, or there are banners, balloons and hundreds of cards. Have you ever stopped and thought how could this effect someone who has lost a parent? I know everyone is highly likely to lose their parents; it’s only natural, but some of us lose them way before we should. I’m not saying we shouldn’t have such days; I think it is a wonderful idea. However I think shops have taken it for granted, it’s all so commercialized now a days. The true meaning of it has gone.
Today was a day where the fact my dad died got glorified, my stepdad told me how if he had loved me then he would still be here for me today. I doubt anyone is reading this but if they are then it means an awful lot! During this next week I am going to visit my Dad’s grave; I’ve written a letter which I am going to leave there; I know it will do nothing but it gives me a feeling like I’ve spoken to him. I guess I find it harder to deal with as there are still so many unanswered questions; if he had died because of an illness or in a car crash then I think it would have been a lot easier to understand and move on.
However my dad took his own life; he committed suicide.
The amount of questions this leaves un answered is ridiculous, the guilt it’s left on me and the shock we all got makes it so march harder to leave in the past. Every day I ask myself why, why would he do it? I guess what damage that was to be done has now been done and my questions will never be answered; so it’s time to move on and live with the memories I have.
Many people think of my dad as a selfish person for doing this; however I don’t think any less of him. I loved him and I always will no matter what; I just wish I got to spend more time with him. I wish he got to see me grow up.
I love you dad and you will always be in my thoughts and in my heart!
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you always post depressing shit
not going to deny that.. i use this as a way of venting so if you don’t like it then don’t feel obliged to follow me. |
‘it will all be alright’
‘don’t let it get you upset’
‘i’m always here for you’
‘things will only get better’
‘you just have to move on from the past’
these get said to me so much; no one knows how it feels to be me though. no one understands how i feel and how i interpret life.. i don’t think anyone knows all my thoughts.. i talk to different people about different things; then there are those secrets that no one knows; simply because no one will ever understand.
Everything is falling apart. I don’t have a clue what to do with myself anymore..It’s all shit.
What’s the point?
